4 years home

We had our best Ethiopian meal yet this year. Craig is getting good with his injera and doro wat. Zekari loves it and we all got dressed up in our Ethiopian garb and put on the videos of the Ethiopian dancers. It was a great time. 4 years has flown.

Freek Show

What would you feel like if there was one very noticeable thing that was different about you then most of the people around you? Sometimes your family went out of their way to be around others like you and sometimes you would see others like you around town but none of those close to you really understood what it means to be different.

I try to imagine what it must be like to be a trans racially adopted child. I know I can never understand fully. I confess that long amounts of time go by sometimes without thinking about it. Then something happens that brings it back into focus, Usually in a glaring confusing way. The first few times it happened I did not know what to do and did nothing. But I promised myself that the next time that my son was made to feel uncomfortable just for being himself I would take action. I figured even a misguided attempt would be better then leaving my child to feel alone.

So, a few weeks ago while our family was walking around at the state fair I fell behind Craig and the kids by 10 feet or so. Just as they passed a group of kids(probably jr high age) one of the boys pointed at My son and shouted "Oh my God, do you see how dark that black kid is?". My blood began to boil within me and I am sure that I looked like the very devil. For a brief moment I rustled with myself. What should I do?

Now, let me explain that the facts proclaimed by this stupid child is not what upset me. My son is in fact darker then the other African American people that were there. There is nothing wrong with a person noticing that. I don't even mind an ignorant or inappropriate question or comment, but to humiliate a child for being different and stop the crowd with a shout of shock and discussed is unacceptable. As the crowd terned to look at my son I distracted them by shouting at the top of my lungs. Instead of looking to see the "dark, black kid" They instead terned and saw a woman standing with her pointing finger inches from a young man's nose while shouting "Oh my God, Do you see this kid and how pail and sickly he looks?"

What would you have done?

We are a family

A few days ago I was killing some time on the computer and I looked up some of the adoption forums I use to frequent. I realized it had been months since I had gone there. As I read through the familiar discussions I had a revelation. I no longer relate to newly adoptive families or families in the process of adopting. That part of my life seems so distant. I no longer distinguish in my mind the difference between my adopted children and my biological children. Now I have heard adoptive parents say this before and I always thought that maybe they were just trying to convince everyone of their "normalness". But right now as I look at my 7 children I don't think of them as 5 bio and 2 adopted. Adoption is something that happened to 2 of my kids but it does not define them.

I no longer go to the forums with questions about how to cope with attachment related behavior, And when I read questions about it I am like 'oh yea, now i remember going through that.' How strange that I forgot. I no longer feel the need to gather strength from others who have faced the same issues. Not to say I have it all figured out. Issues still surface from time to time. I have my little stash of adoption books were I can find them if I need them. I have the address of the websites that I like bookmarked. I have out social workers number in my phone (although no longer on speed dial). I know we have many issues still to face but right now it is so nice to just be a mother of 7, not a mother of 5 and 2.

World aids orphans day

I have been thinking a lot about what to say today but this morning as I read Erin's blog I decided she says it better then I ever could. Her life has been touched by aids in a way I can only imagine. So, I am sending you over to her blog. She has a great perspective that shows the reality of the problem and yet never gives up hope.

What if it was Ethiopia?

This morning I got an e-mail from an adoption advocate group saying that Russia announced that it is indeed closing its doors to Americans wishing to adopt. I am not to familiar with Russia's system. I researched in 5 years ago when we first started looking at adoption but much has changed since then.

I met the news of the closure with conflicting emotions. Part of me broke for the families in process who already love a child that they now will not be able to bring home. Part of me was relieved that maybe it could lead to a better process in the future. Maybe Russia would implement the Hague convention. Part of me was angered that Russian officials are acting so hastily and pointing fingers as though American families are taking healthy thriving children and crushing them and then sending them back. Another part of me felt that their feelings are justified by the reprehensible actions of some who have adopted from Russia.

Most of me was just sad, sad that there is no way to stop the suffering of the children involved. No matter which way it goes babies will cry themselves to sleep tonight with no one to rock them. The older kids won’t cry because they have given up hope. They know that crying out will do no good. No one will come. No one cares.

I have several friends who were adopted from Russia as older children. I know some of what goes on. Although my boys are not from Russia two of them spent time in an orphanage. I don't think of their adoptions every day. They are my sons and most days the fact that they are adopted does not cross my mind.

For some reason last night as I tucked Tomi into bed it crossed my mind for the fist time all day. I lay down beside him and he tucked in against me while he sucked his fingers and clung to his little blue bear. Oh how I treasure it when he does that. It took him 9 month to learn how to cuddle me and I do not take it for grated as I do with my biological children.


My mind flooded with what ifs. What if the foolish woman who sent her child back had adopted from Ethiopia. What if she had broken one year earlier? What if Ethiopia called off it's adoption program. What would Tomi's life look like today? Would he even be alive? If he was alive he would be in an orphanage smaller then our house with 30 other children.

I have a picture of him in his orphanage. He sits on the floor in a sea of faces looking up with vacant stares. A few toys are strews here and there but no one plays with them. They just sit there waiting. Nothing ever changes. They grow up and when they are too old they either stay to take care of the younger children or go out into the world. The statistics for children aging out of the system are grim. suicide, prostitution, incarceration, make up almost the sum of them.

The thought of my Tomi sitting on that floor day after day, laying in one of the white cribs lined up in rows night after night brings me to my knees in agony. He was left there when he was three days old. Before he came to us he knew nothing of what it was to be in a family.
He is a fighter; he is one of those kids that rises to the top wherever he is. What would happen to that spirit if he lived out his childhood in an orphanage? Would he give up and stop crying eventually? Would he hold out the longest of all the children just to fall victim to malaria, hiv, or typhoid? I can never know what would have been.

The truth for Russia's orphans is that they are about to find out.

1 year in pictures

Look before you leap

We see them on the news. Their faces stare at us from adds on the Internet. From peoples blogs and e-mails from aid organizations. Haiti's orphans, suddenly thrust into the spot light of the world. And who would not want to help them? They are alone and hungry. Their homes reduced to rubble, their families missing (maybe dead, maybe not). Rumors travel quickly that many may be available for adoption. There are petitions to our government to bring them to the states to find them new homes. Even in our small town there are people going around taking down names of families who would be willing to adopt one of the many orphans. They are assuring people it will only take 6 months and cost $5000.

My mothers heart want to scoop them up and take care of them. However, lurking behind the exterior of this story is a complex issue that is not new. Haitian orphans are not a new issue. 11 years ago I spent a month working there and believe me it was no picnic before the earth quake.

When Craig and I decided to adopt Haiti was one of the fist countries I looked into. It did not take long to see that it was to for us. There were a long list of regulations that we did not meet as well as a donting 2-3 year process that was anything but structured. Mind you this was before the government buildings collapsed and the country went into an uproar. Why people think it will be easier without a governments up and running is a little disturbing.

I whole hearted supported the unites states expediting the visa process of the children in the process of being adopted by US citizens. I can not even imagine what it must have been like for those families when the earth quake hit. But now people are talking about bringing other orphans here. Well meaning people sign petitions to their congressmen and senators trying to get the kids here. After all, they need families, don't they?

What these people don't realize is what it would mean if we do this. To send out people to gather the lost and scared children with no one around to help, to load them on a plane headed for another country where they will be distributed to families has a name. Pre-earth quake it would have been called kid napping. Another name for it would be human trafficking. You simply can not take a child from their country when their government is not looking because you deem yourself able to give them better care.

If you were injured or missing or even dead would you want the government of another country to come a take your children away? Why does it seem so crazy that these children may have people who love them still living. In the wake of disaster and loss these children need a little familiarity, at the very least people who speak their language. Adoption is a very traumatic thing for children. To pile trauma onto trauma could be so damaging to these very, very vulnerable children.

Please don't get me wrong. I love adoption. When a family who wants and loves a child is united with a child who truly needs a family it is a wonderful thing. Many of the new and old orphans in Haiti may fall into that category. I hope and pray that in time the Haitian government and the many aid workers in Haiti will figure out which ones need families and do their utmost to do what is best for each child.

I would be thrilled if the US took this opportunity to make adoption from Haiti more efficient. But, to think that the US government has the right to take any child from another country when the government is down and there is no regulation in place would be catastrophic. To assume that everyone who would take advantage of this opportunity has good intentions is very naive. There is a well established sex trade in Haiti. If those trying to help throw out regulation it will swing the doors wide for those who seek only self gain at the expense of the very children we are trying to help.



I do not want to discourage anyone from adoption or from helping Haitian children in a time of great need. If you truly want to help I recommend going to Heart line Ministries and reading up on the best way to help. If you are truly interested in adoption do lots and lots of research before you get started. Adoption is a long hard road and if you get an offer that seems to good to be true, it is.